Paltrow: Welcome everybody to the new Goop show!
Paltrow: Are you ready to get out your credit cards and spend all that money you got from selling LuLaRoe?
Paltrow: Yeah, I know, I know. I’m just kidding. I know nobody has ever made money from selling LuLaRoe.
*murmurs of agreement*
Paltrow: We have a really exciting show for you. Dr. Karen McBobcut from the Correspondence University of Southern Rhode Island is a professor of factonomics, and she is here to tell us all about why you should turn your vagina into an herb garden, how to get a killer body by spending only seven hours a day at the gym, and how to turn your child’s old crib into a yoga studio.
Paltrow, sitting down: Thank you for coming on the show, professor.
McBobcut: Thanks for having me. I’d like to say–
Paltrow: No, that cuts into my grifting time.
Paltrow: You were telling me backstage how the act of spending $400 per day on Goop.com can help align people’s chakras.
McBobcut: Oh, yes. It helps call people’s transcendental spirits into the fallopian realm.
Paltrow: Isn’t that fascinating?
Paltrow: Now, you also wanted to talk about this navel cleanse product I’m selling for the low, low price of $249 per dram vial.
McBobcut: Oh, yes. A clean navel will protect against every known disease on the planet.
Paltrow: But what about those diseases that come from different planets?
McBobcut: For that, you need a Vitamin W14 supplement.
Paltrow: Which we also sell on Goop.com, again for the low, low price of only $149 for a whole week’s supply!
Paltrow: But just for you viewers, since we know you can’t do basic arithmetic, we have a special for you. If you buy the navel cleanse product AND the Vitamin W14 supplement together, you will pay only $599!
Paltrow: Well, that’s all the time we have. I want to thank you, Dr. Bobcut, for coming on the show. Tune in next week where we will show how eating nothing but organic, non-GMO rose leaves will cure all forms of cancer.
*music and fade out*