Transcript From First Netflix Goop Episode (Probably)

Paltrow: Welcome everybody to the new Goop show!


Paltrow: Are you ready to get out your credit cards and spend all that money you got from selling LuLaRoe?


Paltrow: Yeah, I know, I know.  I’m just kidding.  I know nobody has ever made money from selling LuLaRoe.

*murmurs of agreement*

Paltrow: We have a really exciting show for you.  Dr. Karen McBobcut from the Correspondence University of Southern Rhode Island is a professor of factonomics, and she is here to tell us all about why you should turn your vagina into an herb garden, how to get a killer body by spending only seven hours a day at the gym, and how to turn your child’s old crib into a yoga studio.


Paltrow, sitting down: Thank you for coming on the show, professor.

McBobcut: Thanks for having me.  I’d like to say–

Paltrow: No, that cuts into my grifting time.

McBobcut: Oh…

Paltrow: You were telling me backstage how the act of spending $400 per day on can help align people’s chakras.

McBobcut: Oh, yes.  It helps call people’s transcendental spirits into the fallopian realm.

Paltrow: Isn’t that fascinating?

McBobcut: Indeed.

Paltrow: Now, you also wanted to talk about this navel cleanse product I’m selling for the low, low price of $249 per dram vial.

McBobcut: Oh, yes.  A clean navel will protect against every known disease on the planet.

Paltrow: But what about those diseases that come from different planets?

McBobcut: For that, you need a Vitamin W14 supplement.

Paltrow: Which we also sell on, again for the low, low price of only $149 for a whole week’s supply!


Paltrow: But just for you viewers, since we know you can’t do basic arithmetic, we have a special for you.  If you buy the navel cleanse product AND the Vitamin W14 supplement together, you will pay only $599!

*louder cheers*

Paltrow: Well, that’s all the time we have.  I want to thank you, Dr. Bobcut, for coming on the show.  Tune in next week where we will show how eating nothing but organic, non-GMO rose leaves will cure all forms of cancer.

*music and fade out*

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